The League of Nations


 

I often get asked where my favourite places are. So here is my utterly (and irreverently) subjective list of my favourite nations in the world.

It is difficult to construct a list like this, as there are some things that drive me nuts about even my most favourite countries and some things I love about countries that drive me nuts. But take heart – this list is VERY top-heavy: If your country is in the top one hundred I love the place and can’t wait to go back. If you’re in the following fifty, I would heartily recommend your country to anyone who was feeling frisky or adventurous.

But, okay, if your country is in the bottom fifty, your country is probably has some serious issues. But, honestly, that says more about the government than it does the people… in fact, what are you doing reading this? Go out and ferment revolution!!!* ;-)

Rank

Country

Comments/Justification

1

Palau

Could it be? A country that knocks England off the top position? You better believe it folks – if you’re looking for a secret tropical island paradise, it doesn’t get any better than this. Shh… don’t tell everyone or they’ll ruin it!

2

England

Oh pretty England, you really have no idea how lucky you are.

3

Egypt

Pyramids, pharaohs, temples, tombs and sphinxes: Egypt should be on everybody’s lists of places to see before they die. Just don’t let the touts get to you – laugh and shrug them off.

4

Bolivia

Salt plains, silver mines, jungle adventures, prisons run by the prisoners, the most dangerous road in the world: Bolivia is the nearest thing a backpacker will get to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.

5

Thailand

Just the right mix of excitement, danger, beaches and cheap drinks. Dip me in chocolate and throw me to the ladyboys!

6

Madagascar

The countryside is gorgeous, the seafood is cheap, the women are stunning, they have lemurs that dance and everybody wears hats. What’s not to love?!

7

Iran

A surprisingly high entry considering how awful the government is, but the overwhelming hospitality of the people left me gobsmacked. I would return in a shot.

8

Tuvalu

A beautiful little country, sadly about to get wiped off the map thanks to Man-Made Climate Change. If you know anybodywho thinks Global Warming is a hoax, please send them to Tuvalu – with any luck, they won’t know how to swim.

9

Spain

Tapas! Beer! Siesta! Tapas! Beer! Fiesta!

10

Azerbaijan

Oh come on, how could I not love a country called ‘Azerbaijan’? Best name for a country ever.

11

Uzbekistan

Another surprise entry considering the architecture is dreadful, the government require you to declare the colour of your underwear and the biggest banknote is worth tuppence, but again, it’s the amazing hospitality of the people that left me spellbound.

12

Italy

Packed with cities brimming with history, exquisite beauty and a countryside that will take your breath away. The scran ain’t half bad neither

13

Greece

The birthplace of Homer, Plato, Herodotus and democracy. Go in spring for the wildflowers. Lovely!!

14

Scotland

Whisky, haggis, Burns, rolling hills, that red-haired sexpot from Doctor Who… thinking about it, I don’t think there is anything about Scotland that I don’t like. Except maybe Alex Salmond. And George Galloway. And those total dicks who wear ‘anyone but England’ t-shirts at the World Cup.

15

India

As infuriating as it is colourful, India has to rank as the nuttiest place in the Alpha Quadrant. But that’s what makes it so much fun to visit! Plus they have the Taj Mahal. Now how about some Chai?

16

Colombia

Beautiful beyond words. And that’s jus’ the ladieeees.

17

France

Being a typical Brit, I love to rip on France, but even I have to admit it’s a spectacular country and whatever they’re cookin’, I want some.

18

El Salvador

More fun than you can shake a stick at and my top pick for Central America.

19

Malta

A beautiful blessed isle filled with some of the bravest people in the world. Love it.

20

New Zealand

NZ gave me such a warm welcome that it’s now back in my top 20 and what those meanies said in Dubai is forgotten about. Kinda ;-)

21

Cambodia

Oh come on: where else on Earth can you blow up a cow with a bazooka (allegedly)?!

22

Fiji

I spent a good deal of time in Fiji and with Fijians. I love the kava, I love the people, I love the spirit. I’ll be back!!!

23

Croatia

Dubrovnik, Zagreb, Hvar: STUNNING. Just stunning. If you’re looking for a European holiday by the sea that isn’t going to cost you a kidney, Croatia is hard to top.

24

Samoa

I fell in love with Samoa from the start, truly a place for an artist in search of tranquillity.

25

Ecuador

The old city in Quito is simply exquisite, and Ecuador is possibly the last place on Earth where you can still legally ride on the roof of a train.

26

Denmark

Me and Denmark go back a long way and I love the bones of the place. If you can get to the Roskilde festival before you die, I suggest you do so.

27

Tonga

Tonga may be small, but it’s a place with a big heart and a fascinating Viking-like history.

28

South Korea

Ignoring their fetish for fermented cabbage for a moment, South Korea is undoubtedly one of the most fun and welcoming places on the planet. Ironic that north of the border should be one of the least.

29

Vanuatu

A beautiful South Pacific paradise and home to the crazy land-divers of Pentecost Island. What’s not to love?

30

Eritrea

Probably my favourite place in sub-Saharan Africa – heartbreaking, beautiful, stoic.

31

Kyrgyzstan

A magical place set in the mountains of the Pamir ranges with the warmest hospitality you could imagine. And once you learn how to spell ‘Kyrgyzstan’ correctly you feel super-smart!

32

Vietnam

Frenetic, frantic and fun… and so goddamn cheap it makes my eyes water. 50 cents a beer? That’ll do nicely!!

33

Iceland

Select Sigur Ros on your iPod and go climb a volcano in the land of the midnight sun. You won’t regret it.

34

Rwanda

Rwanda has picked itself up and dusted itself down since the 90s. It’s one of the few African states for whom I am hopeful for the future – and one of the few places on Earth you can see mountain gorillas in their natural environment.

35

Brazil

I was in Brazil for the 2002 World Cup final. It was a hell of a party. My favourite Portuguese-speaking nation by a mile.

36

Papua New Guinea

A difficult place to love, but all kinds of awesome in a really f—ked up way.

37

Burma

Tourists used to be advised to stay away from Burma as their money propped up the military junta, but with Aung San Suu Kyi now an elected official, it’s high time we gave this beautiful place another look.

38

Nepal

A more chillaxed version of India and the gateway to the rooftop of the world. Nice!

39

Guatemala

Jungles, dancing, drinking, Mayan ruins… more wonderful Central Americana.

40

Morocco

Probably one of the least stressed-out Islamic nations (possibly on account of all the kif), coupled with history and traditions that stretch back millennia, Morocco a slice of North Africa you’d be a fool to ignore.

41

Germany

Okay, so they’ve got some historical baggage and their taste in music leaves a lot to be desired, but they’re one of the few nations in the world to be rebuilding classic buildings and they love their beer, so Germany gets a big thumbs up from me.

42

Burkina Faso

Burkina Faso means ‘The Land of Honest Men’. And the capital is Ouagadougou, pronounced ‘Waggadoogoo’. What’s not to love?

43

South Africa

Miles better than I thought it would be, and, for my money the best place for a holiday in Sub-Saharan Africa.

44

The Philippines

Great place, lovely people, cheap beer. That’s three thumbs up from me. I’ll be back!! Again!

45

Japan

Pokemon! Manga! Bukkake! Japan, you ROCK MY WORLD!!!

46

Ireland

Doesn’t matter where I go in the world, there’s ALWAYS an Irish bar! You just can’t escape the craic… but why would you want to?

47

Turkey

I can’t help but love Turkey – great food, ancient ruins and things that make you go woo!!

48

Peru

Hop on board your flying condor and go join the trail of the Mysterious Cities of Gold

49

Kiribati

One of the main things I love about Kiribati is that it is pronounced ‘kiri-bas’, seemingly with the intention of giving pedants like myself something to do. Although only 1% of it is land, Kiribati is the width of Australia and it straddles all four hemispheres. How cool is THAT?

50

Sweden

Mmm… Sweden… Why do naughty thoughts pop into my head? I’m sure that’s a good thing though.

51

Cuba

A beautiful island filled with beautiful people and beautiful cars. If you can go, go.

52

Marshall Islands

Although some of these paradise atolls were trashed by the Yanks testing their nuclear bombs, what remains is still well worth a visit. Its position slap bang in the middle of the Pacific Ocean made it the farthest reach of The Odyssey Expedition.

53

Indonesia

I had a great time in Indonesia – painting Jakarta red, too many nights out in Bali, travelling on the Pelni ferries… and the seafood in West Papua was to die for.

54

Malaysia

A quieter version of Thailand, but once the drink starts flowing it can live it up with the best of them.

55

Jamaica

I only set one foot in Jamaica, but it gets a high placement thanks to its wonderful musical tradition.

56

Wales

Familiarity can breed contempt, but in the case of Wales, the more I see of it the more I love.

57

Jordan

Worth it just for Petra – The rose red city hewn from the rock of ages past – like nowhere else on Earth.

58

Slovenia

Ljubljana – as unforgettable as it is unpronounceable

59

Oman

Oman is my favourite of the Arabian peninsular countries. It’s cheap, laid-back and surprisingly fun.

60

Guyana

A welcome break from the ham and cheese sandwiches of Latin America

61

Bosnia and Herzegovina

Nothing compares with Mostar on a sunny day.

62

Libya

I said it would be an amazing place to visit… once the crackpot in charge dies. Well, he’s dead and so Libya scoots 100 positions up The League!

63

Dominican Republic

The Dominican Republic is the part of the Caribbean that dances to a spicy Latin beat and came as a welcome break from the fried chicken of the West Indies!

64

Swaziland

A beautiful interior, not too big, not to small. Safe and stable, an African country I wouldn’t hesitate to return to.

65

Laos

Jump on your inflatable donut and head downstream. More fun than you can shake a stick at!

66

Poland

I first visited Poland when I was 11 years old, less than a year after the fall of the Berlin Wall. A truly cracking place.

67

Saõ Tomé and Principé

It’s sometimes the forgotten places of Earth that turn out to be the most friendly and beautiful.

68

Montenegro

CHECK IT OUT! The new Croatia. Get there before it becomes popular and secure them bragging rights.

69

The Netherlands

I don’t smoke pot and miserable Russian prostitutes aren’t really my thing, but, trust me – there IS more to The Netherlands.

70

Taiwan

Taiwan is a great place full of wonderful people. However, somebody there (who was NOT Taiwanese) stole my hat, so I can’t put it any higher, sorry.

71

Czech Republic

Is Prague my favourite Central European city? I better Czech…

72

Slovakia

It would be wrong to have one without the other.

73

Canada

I get a warm fuzzy feeling when I think of Canada – big coats and hot chocolate. Lovely. It should be in my top 20, but it gets marked down for inflicting Bryan Adams, Celine Dion, Avril Latrine, Alanis Morrissette and Justin GODDAMN Bieber on the world. Why Canada Why?

74

Solomon Islands

A really great place that not many people have been to, the Solomon Islands are a forgotten gem of the South Pacific.

75

Serbia

I genuinely love Serbia, and I’m not just saying that because of the death threats that ensue from crazy mono-browed Serbian ex-pats if I don’t. Chill my friends: the war is over, you were the bad guys and you lost. But hey – look on the bright side, you could have won.

76

Sierra Leone

One place in the world where you’ll be made to feel proud for being British. I’ll definitely be coming back one day.

77

Tunisia

Egypt’s quieter, more sensible little brother. Gets extra points for doubling as Tattooine in Star Wars.

78

Romania

Romania is great. Hell, they’ve got Dracula’s Castle, what more do you need?

79

Namibia

A welcome respite from the lunacy that is West and Central Africa.

80

Micronesia

I’ve only been to one of the four states of the Federated States of Micronesia, but what I saw I liked. I liked a lot.

81

Nicaragua

Massive lake, beautiful landscape, slightly unhinged government.

82

Lebanon

Do your best to avoid Hezbollah and I guarantee you an awesome time in Lebanon…awesome kebabs and mountains that cascade down to the sea. Nice!

83

Estonia

Great little place, very nice policemen.

84

China

Yeah, the government is a brigade of nasty little tyrants and facebook is banned, but the history is vast and fascinating, the calligraphy is beautiful and damn the food is good.

85

Austria

Gets extra credit for making people believe that Hitler was from Germany and Mozart was from Austria when it was the other way around. Altogether now: OOOOOOOO VIENNA!!

86

Honduras

Great place, good food, lovely people.

87

Ghana

The people I warmed to most in West Africa were all from Ghana. Would have been nice to hit the interior.

88

Bulgaria

More stunning Eastern European landscapes. Gets extra points for being named after a womble.

89

Lesotho

A magical land hidden away in the mountains of South Africa, well recommended.

90

The Gambia

A ridiculous little place filled with some of the coolest people on the planet. I loved every second of it.

91

Chile

Santiago’s dramatic Andean backdrop is a just to behold, and if you like coastlines, Chile is nothing BUT a coastline!

92

Kuwait

Booze may be outlawed, but there is ALWAYS a house party to go to. I love house parties.

93

Kosovo

Plucky little Kosovo is fighting to get back on top. Hopefully a happy end to a sad story.

94

Hungary

Budapest is great, but given the choice I (slightly!) prefer Vienna. Sorry Attila.

95

Syria

Nothing will ever compare to the cold beer that Dino, Dan and I shared in Palmyra. Let’s hope they topple their rotten tyrant dictator sooner rather than later.

96

Mexico

Sadly embroiled in a massive Drug War at the moment (which killed more people in 2010 than were killed in Afghanistan or Iraq), but stay away from the ‘no-go’ zones and you should have a great time.

97

St. Kitts and Nevis

Really really cool people, a nice sleepy place hidden away in the Caribbean.

98

Gabon

I may not like the ruling dynasty, but hanging out with the Bwiti Tribe made the slog through Nigeria and Cameroon all worth while.

99

Kenya

Kenya is the giant of East Africa, a land that is a rich and varied as it’s people are warm and welcoming. Plus they’ve got a seriously nifty flag.

100

Finland

Like Filipinos and South Koreans, the Fins have but one mission when a strange wanders into their midst: get them as drunk as possible. And that could never be a bad thing!

101

Lithuania

Vilnius is a beautiful little gem, well worth the EasyJet ticket.

102

Latvia

I passed through Latvia at night, but if it’s anything like Latvia, I like it already.

103

Macedonia

Annoyed me a little by taking me off the train and taking me to the doctor, so gets a couple of points knocked off its score.

104

East Timor

Respect to East Timor for successfully breaking away from Indonesia, and for having such a groovy flag!

105

The Bahamas

Great weather, turquoise waters and stunning beaches spoilt by bad American dancing and fake boobs.

106

Ethiopia

Definitely worth a visit, Ethiopia is the only place that wasn’t mucked up by us lot in Europe with our silly hats and even sillier moustaches.

107

Botswana

Sub-Saharan Africa’s one (and only) success story. No wars, no kleptomaniac dictators, no apartheid – 44 years of free and fair elections. IT CAN BE DONE!!

108

Mauritius

Wonderful place – check out my name on the wall in The Keg and Marlin!

109

Norway

Too expensive!! But worth it if you love His Dark Materials.

110

Australia

Australia used to be in my top ten, but now it’s just too freakin’ expensive. It’s like $12 for a single pint of their crappy lager. And they make you apply for a visa. Sorry, Oz – you slip 100 places.

111

Israel

Whilst the Israeli government doesn’t always do what’s best for the region (or Israel itself for that matter), it’s well worth a visit.

112

Costa Rica

A groovy place to hang your hat for a few weeks.

113

Georgia

A really cool place – Tbilisi has some stunning architecture hidden amongst the soviet tat and the people are great. Just don’t propose a toast using a pint of beer…!

114

Belgium

CHOCOLATE. BEER. What more does a weary traveller require?

115

Bhutan

The last great mysterious mountain kingdom. Respect!

116

Monaco

I’m not rich and I not famous, but even if I was… YAWN.

117

Uruguay

Mostly harmless.

118

Russia

I spent about 5 seconds in Russia before running back like a frightened deer, but my word St. Petersburg looks amazing. On the telly.

119

Venezuela

An otherwise dull oil state enriched by its wonderful people.

120

Brunei

Worth it just to have Jerudong Playground all to yourself.

121

Panama

Hats and canals and cooooool.

122

Djibouti

Got plus points for the incredible guys who worked at the shipping agency, got a big minus when that policeman tapped me for a $20 bribe.

123

Mali

The jewel in West Africa’s tattered crown. Worth returning to.

124

Mongolia

I really didn’t spend enough time there, but from what I can gather Mongolia is exactly and brilliantly what you’d expect.

125

Tanzania

The only place on Earth you’ll see Masai warriors in their full get-up working as bouncers outside an Irish Bar. That alone makes it worth the trip.

126

Portugal

A quick border hop, so I shouldn’t say, but seems a lot less fun than Spain.

127

Belize

Found it quite unwelcoming after basking in the warmth of Latin America.

128

Moldova

Bit of an awkward place to stick a country, don’t you think?

129

Ukraine

Fell out of love with Ukraine when they dropped the ‘The’.

130

Liechtenstein

Good to know about for pub quizzes and that’s about it.

131

Trinidad and Tobago

Fun place, too many KFCs though, even for me.

132

Argentina

A lot of other backpackers rave about Argentina, and while I’ve never have a bad time there, I’ve never had cause to get excited about the place either. Maybe next time!

133

St Vincent and The Grenadines

Mmm, beautiful, beautiful islands. Worth it.

134

Grenada

It’s okay.

135

Barbados

Bridgetown was splendid but in danger of becoming a little sterile.

136

Malawi

Nice place you’re got here.

137

Kazakhstan

Famous for Borat and rocket launches. If you can get a visa (they don’t make it easy!), I reckon Kazakhstan is well worth a visit.

138

Nauru

The smallest nation state of the UN by population, Nauru is a noteworthy tale of environmental catastrophe and economic disaster. But the people are so lovely, it’s hard not to be moved by their plight.

139

Dominica

Not immensely appealing, but I never made it out of the capital.

140

San Marino

Gets marked down for not being on a railway and for killing Ayrton Senna.

141

Antigua and Barbuda

A lovely island, but overrun by the mega-rich.

142

Bahrain

An Arabian pleasure palace for hypocritical Saudis. But if you like Filipino cover bands…

143

Suriname

Alas, a short border hop. Looked fun though.

144

Mozambique

My least problematic of the African ex-Portuguese colonies!

145

St Lucia

A little too overdeveloped. Preferred the Grenadines.

146

Togo

Buzzed through but it managed to put a smile on my face.

147

Albania

Twice I have dipped my toe into Albania. One day I’ll make it an entire foot.

148

Singapore

Chewing gum is banned? Eek! Too much like the sterile world of ‘Demolition Man’ for my liking.

149

Algeria

One day Algeria will be BACK!, but not today.

150

United Arab Emirates

A sterile place, wonderful for ex-pats looking to make a ton of money (tax-free!), but scratch beneath the glittery surface and you’ll find there’s little underneath.

151

Comoros

They’ve had 25 coup d’etats since the late 70s, and at any one time they have 4 presidents. Which is why they call it cloud Coup-Coup Land. Lovely people, though.

152

Vatican City

Don’t know why the pope needs to live in a fortress. Smacks of insecurity to me.

153

Zambia

Didn’t hang around long enough for an objective opinion, but seemed okay.

154

Western Sahara

Mmm… I love the desert, do you think they’re going to have that referendum anytime soon?

155

Luxembourg

I missed the point. I’ll find it one day.

156

Liberia

Was okay, but didn’t have the warmth of Sierra Leone.

157

Belarus

The USSR is alive and well and living in Belarus.

158

Chad

Apart from that fantastic name, I don’t know what else to say about Chad.

159

Northern Ireland

A silly angry place full of silly angry people. But it’s getting better.

160

Cameroon

A truly wonderful country which was sadly ruined for me by less-than-wonderful policemen.

161

Côte D’Ivoire

Could have a bright future, but I’m not holding my breath.

162

Burundi

A country awaking from a nightmare. Let’s hope it never goes back to sleep.

163

Senegal

The two things Senegal has going for it are women and the Casamance. The rest of it is meh.

164

Cyprus

GET YOUR ACT TOGETHER CYPRUS, and I’ll put you in my top 20.

165

Benin

Given the prevalence of voodoo, there is plenty of scope for excitement, but I didn’t see it.

166

Afghanistan

The thing with Afghanistan is that it’s only really worth visiting to say you went there and didn’t die. That’s not really what you want to see on the tourist literature, is it?

167

Andorra

A trifle dull if you’re not there to ski.

168

Uganda

I’m still peeved that they charged me $50 for a damn transit visa! Up yours, Uganda!!

169

Niger

Another African country damned by the utterly stupid borders drawn up by the Europeans in the 1880s.

170

Central African Republic

I honestly don’t know enough about CAR to have an informed opinion, but the border guards were friendly.

171

Tajikistan

If you’ve never even heard of Tajikistan, there may be a reason for that…!

172

Democratic Republic of Congo

The size of Europe, the economy of Jamaica. Go figure.

173

Nigeria

Corrupt on an inter-planetary scale, no electricity, dangerous drivers, email scams, religious conflict, suicide bombers… let’s just say that Nigeria is best avoided for now.

174

Angola

Wow! Angola is the most expensive place in the WORLD! And it’s dead hard to get in.

175

Armenia

A country sadly but entirely vandalised by the Soviets.

176

Mauritania

Beautiful desertscape marred by a distinctly ugly lack of human rights. They only made slavery illegal in the 1970s

177

Bangladesh

Dhaka has to be the filthiest city in the world, I wouldn’t really bother.

178

Qatar

Devilishly hot, horrifically expensive and bereft of character.

179

Sudan

In a place like Sudan, it’s quicker to ask what went right instead of going through everything that has gone wrong. The leader is already wanted for war crimes and a full-on war with South Sudan looks more likely by the day.

180

Guinea-Bissau

An impoverished nation which will one day struggle out of its shell and be no doubt awesome. But not today.

181

Iraq

A place with an extremely bad press, although my experience was limited to Iraqi Kurdistan (which I quite enjoyed) – travel to Baghdad is still not advised. As the Iraq Lonely Planet says ‘you’ll have to be mad’.

182

Turkmenistan

An otherwise boring oil state which is only made interesting by the bizarre legacy of Turkmenbashi, its utterly cuckoo first president.

183

Haiti

A sad story of hell in paradise.

184

Equatorial Guinea

They have oil – they don’t want you, so why bother?

185

Zimbabwe

A beautiful country, by all accounts, sadly run by a modern-day Hitler, so I cannot recommend until he’s gone.

186

Switzerland

Provides the banking for the most evil men in the world and Toblerones go up your nose when you bite them.

187

Paraguay

I spent a few days in the capital Asuncion a few years ago and it really didn’t appeal.

188

Guinea

A nasty little police state. The people are nice, but the government and police/army are horrible, even by West African standards.

189

Somalia

Objectively the worst place in the world – the only place the FCO website tells you NOT to visit any part of. Although I would warmly recommend a trip to Somaliland in the north.

190

Palestine

There’s no pithy comment I can make about the Palestinian situation, it’s far too complex. I just wouldn’t want to live there.

191

Yemen

Sadly infested with right-wing religious nutcases, Yemen would otherwise be the most beautiful part of the entire Arabian peninsular.

192

North Korea

I guess it’s an interesting place to visit, but the humour of the situation quickly wears thin when you consider the suffering inflicted on the Korean people for no good reason other than their last three leaders have been from a family of utter psychopaths.

193

Saudi Arabia

Change is taking place (very slowly), and I had a good time there, but Saudi Arabia will always be ground zero for some of the most stupid, angry, violent and unreasonable people on the planet.

194

Congo

“And what will you say about Congo?” asked the police after locking me up for six days without my shoes, glasses or anti-malarials. I’ll say it’s the best place in the world…

195

Cape Verde

No.

196

Pakistan

Well, I said that Pakistan would get worse before it gets better and gee whizz, it looks like *SURPRISE!* they were sheltering Osama Bin Laden all along. What a shower of bums.

197

United States of America

The USA used to be in my top ten, on account of all the great TV, films, music and pornography it gives the world. And for also inventing the Internet. And TV. And Rock n’ Roll. And bikinis. But as punishment for the stupid new rule that forces British citizens to pay $100 for a visa, the USA is now officially THE WORST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD (according to me)!! Woohahahahahaha!

 

*Kudos the people of Tunisia, Egypt, Libya, Syria, Bahrain and Yemen for doing exactly that!

 

 

Comments

3 Responses to “The League of Nations”
  1. GrahamStalker says:

    Hey, at least it wasn’t an American that stole your hat.
    Well, probably.

  2. Cody says:

    Nice, I was hoping for an update of this list.

    Shame that my country (Australia), has dropped considerably. :(

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