The League of Nations

RANK

NAME

REVIEW

1

England

Oh pretty England, you have no idea how lucky you are…

2

Egypt

The Greatest Show On Earth

3

Bolivia

The backpacker’s equivalent of Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.

4

Thailand

Dip me in chocolate and throw me to the ladyboys!

5

Madagascar

The countryside is gorgeous, the seafood is cheap, they have lemurs that dance and everyone wears hats. WHAT’S NOT TO LOVE?!!

6

Iran

A surprisingly high entry considering how awful the government is, but the overwhelming hospitality of the people left me gobsmacked. I would return in a shot.

7

Australia

Welcome Back To Summer.

8

Spain

The Moor’s Last Sigh.

9

Azerbaijan

As well as being my favourite word of all time, Azerbaijan is the one place on the planet that is currently building stuff that isn’t the same old yucky concrete blurgh that you see EVERYWHERE.

10

USA

If I was a country I’d be the US – loud, obnoxious, irrepressible, unquestionably talented and more fun than you can shake a stick at.

11

Uzbekistan

Another surprise entry considering the architecture is dreadful, the government require you to declare the colour of your underwear and the biggest banknote is worth tuppence, but again, it’s the amazing hospitality of the people that leaves me spellbound.

12

Italy

A place steeped in such history and beauty, it shouldn’t technically exist anymore.

13

Greece

The birthplace of Homer, Plato and Herodotus – a more legendary land I’m not fit to imagine.

14

Scotland

Thinking about it, I don’t think there is anything about Scotland that I don’t like.

15

India

The nuttiest place in the universe, now how about some Chai?

16

Colombia

Beautiful beyond words. And that’s just the girls.

17

France

Whatever they’re cookin, I want some.

18

El Salvador

My top pick for Central America.

19

Malta

A beautiful blessed isle filled with some of the noblest people in the world. Love it.

20

Cambodia

Where else on Earth can you blow up a cow with a bazooka?

21

Croatia

STUNNING. Just stunning. I hear it’s the new Croatia.

22

Ecuador

Possibly the last place on Earth where they still let you ride on the roof of a train.

23

Denmark

My favourite bit of Scandinavia.

24

Kyrgyzstan

A magical place set in the mountains of the Pamir ranges with the warmest hospitality you could imagine.

25

Vietnam

Simply fantastic – South East Asia is my favourite place on Earth.

26

Iceland

Like Nowhere Else On Earth’ is an overused expression, but in Iceland’s case it is apt.

27

Rwanda

This is Africa, I know, but Rwanda has picked itself up and dusted itself down since the 90s. It’s one of the few African states for whom I am hopeful for the future.

28

Brazil

My favourite Portuguese-speaking nation.

29

Lithuania

A beautiful little place, well worth the easyjet ticket.

30

Nepal

The gateway to the rooftop of the world.

31

Guatemala

More wonderful Latin America-ness.

32

Morocco

A country in which a visitor is a gift from God.

33

Germany

Awesome place with some particularly awesome architecture.

34

Iraq

Another great place with an extremely bad press, although my experience was limited to Iraqi Kurdistan. Another cup of tea, sir?

35

South Africa

Miles better than I thought it would be, and, for my money the best place for a holiday in Sub Saharan Africa. Just try not to get murdered!

36

Mexico

Mexico is everything you’d expect from Mexico and more.

37

Ireland

You can’t escape the craic. And why would you want to?

38

Turkey

I can’t help but love Turkey – great food, ancient ruins and things that make you go woo!!

39

Peru

Hop on board your flying condor and go join the trail of the Mysterious Cities of Gold

40

Sweden

Why do naughty thoughts pop into my head? I’m sure that’s a good thing, though.

41

Cuba

A beautiful island filled with beautiful people and beautiful cars. If you can go, go.

42

Georgia

A really cool place – Tbilisi has some stunning architecture hidden amongst the soviet tat and the people are great. Just don’t propose a toast using a pint of beer…!

43

Malaysia

A quieter version of Thailand, but once the drink starts flowing it can live it up with the best of them.

44

Jamaica

I only set one foot in Jamaica, but it gets a high placement thanks to its wonderful musical tradition.

45

Wales

Familiarity can breed contempt, but in the case of Wales, the more I see of it the more I love.

46

Jordan

Worth it just for Petra – The rose red city hewn from the rock of ages past – like nowhere else on Earth.

47

Slovenia

Ljubljana – as unforgettable as it is unpronounceable

48

Guyana

A welcome break from the ham and cheese sandwiches of Latin America

49

Bosnia & Herzegovina

Nothing compares with Mostar and Sarajevo on a sunny day.

50

Afghanistan

Don’t Stop Believin‘ – the Afghans haven’t.

51

Dominican Republic

A welcome break from the fried chicken of The Caribbean

52

Swaziland

Wow – an African country I wouldn’t hesitate to return to!!

53

Laos

More fun than than you can shake a stick at.

54

Poland

YES. Poland can stay as long as it likes.

55

Saõ Tomé & Principé

It’s sometimes the forgotten places of Earth that turn out to be the most friendly and beautiful.

56

Montenegro

The new Croatia. Get it while it’s hot.

57

Netherlands

I’ve yet to meet an Amsterdam I didn’t like.

58

Czech Republic

Mmm. Is this my favourite Central European Country? I better Czech…

59

Slovakia

I guess you can’t have one without the other.

60

Canada

I get a warm fuzzy feeling when I think of Canada – big coats and hot chocolate. Lovely.

61

Serbia

I love Serbia, although anyone over the age of 35 should possibly get their head down.

62

Sierra Leone

Wonderful. I’ll be coming back one day.

63

Tunisia

Egypt’s quiet little brother. Gets a plus for doubling as Tattooine in Star Wars.

64

Romania

Romania is great. Hell, they’ve got Dracula’s Castle, what more do you need?

65

Namibia

A welcome respite from the lunacy that is West and Central Africa.

66

Nicaragua

Massive lake, beautiful beautiful landscape.

67

Lebanon

Mountains that cascade down to the sea. Nice!

68

Estonia

Great little place, very nice policemen.

69

China

There’s nothing about China that isn’t totally epic, and that probably what I like about it

70

Austria

Altogether now: ooooooh VIENNA!!

71

Honduras

Great place, good food, lovely people.

72

Ghana

The people I warmed to most in West Africa were all from Ghana. Would have been nice to hit the interior.

73

Bulgaria

More stunning Eastern European landscapes.

74

Lesotho

A beautiful land hidden away in the mountains of South Africa, recommended.

75

The Gambia

A ridiculous place filled with ridiculous people. I loved every second of it.

76

Chile

You can’t argue with the Andes.

77

Kuwait

There is ALWAYS a house party to go to. I love house parties.

78

Kosovo

Hopefully a happy end to a sad story.

79

Hungary

Yeah, it’s okay. Think I prefer Slovenia, though.

80

Syria

Nothing will ever compare to the cold beer that Dino, Dan and I shared in Palmyra

81

St. Kitts & Nevis

Really really cool people, a nice sleepy place.

82

Gabon

Hanging out with the Bwiti Tribe made it all worth it.

83

Kenya

I like Kenya. Don’t really know why, but I do. I’ll go back and find out if you like.

84

Finland

Anywhere that Father Christmas comes from can’t be all bad.

85

Latvia

I passed through Latvia at night, but if it’s anything like its bunkmates, I like it already.

86

Burkina Faso

The Land of Honest Men. And the capital is called Ouagadougou. What’s not to love?

87

Macedonia

Annoyed me a little by taking me off the train and taking me to the doctor, so gets a couple of points knocked off it’s score.

88

Argentina

Nice steaks, hot chicks.

89

The Bahamas

Stunning beaches spoilt by bad American dancing.

90

Ethiopia

Definitely worth a visit, Ethiopia is the REAL Africa – the only place that wasn’t mucked up by us lot in Europe with our silly hats and sillier moustaches.

91

Monaco

I’m not rich and I not famous, but even if I was… no.

92

Mali

The jewel in West Africa’s tattered crown. Worth returning to.

93

Norway

Too expensive!! But worth it if you head up north.

94

Costa Rica

A groovy place to hang your hat for a few weeks.

95

Indonesia

It’s good, but not quite as good as it’s neighbours – sorry!

96

Belgium

CHOCOLATE. BEER. What more does a weary traveller require?

97

Portugal

A quick border hop, so I shouldn’t say, but seems a lot less fun than Spain.

98

Botswana

Sub-Saharan Africa’s one (and only) success story. No wars, no kleptomaniac dictators, no apartheid – 44 years of free and fair elections. IT CAN BE DONE!!

99

Uruguay

Mostly harmless.

100

Russia

I spent about 5 seconds in Russia before running back like a frightened deer, but my word St. Petersburg looks amazing. On the telly.

101

Venezuela

An otherwise dull oil state enriched by its wonderful people.

102

Brunei

Worth it just to have Jerudong Playground all to yourself.

103

Panama

Hats and canals and cooooool.

104

Djibouti

Got plus points for the incredible guys who worked at the shipping agency, got a big minus when that policeman tapped me for a $20 bribe.

105

Mauritius

Wonderful place – check out my name on the wall in The Keg and Marlin!

106

Tanzania

Home to Kili and Masai warriors. I guess that makes it worth the trip.

107

Belize

Found it quite unwelcoming after basking in the warmth of Latin America.

108

Moldova

Bit of an awkward place to stick a country, don’t you think?

109

Ukraine

Fell out of love with Ukraine when they dropped the ‘The’.

110

Liechtenstein

Good for pub quizzes and that’s about it.

111

Trinidad & Tobago

Fun place, too many KFCs though, even for me.

112

Grenada

It’s okay.

113

St Vincent & The Grenadines

Mmm, beautiful, beautiful islands. Worth it.

114

Barbados

Bridgetown was splendid but in danger of becoming a little sterile.

115

Malawi

Nice place you’re got here.

116

Kazakhstan

Famous for Borat, and that’s about it. Considering the size, I don’t really know what there is to do in Kazakhstan.

117

Dominica

Not immensely appealing, but I never made it out of the capital.

118

San Marino

Gets marked down for not being on a railway and for killing Ayrton Senna.

119

Antigua & Barbuda

A lovely island, but overrun by the mega-rich.

120

Libya

Will be an AMAZING place to visit… once that crackpot in charge dies.

121

Suriname

Alas, a short border hop. Looked fun though.

122

Mozambique

My least problematic of the African ex-Portuguese colonies!

123

St Lucia

A little too overdeveloped. Preferred the Grenadines.

124

Nigeria

Corrupt on an inter-planetary scale, no electricity, dangerous drivers, email scams… but Calabar is possibly the best looking city in West Africa.

125

Albania

Twice I have dipped my toe into Albania. One day I’ll make it an entire foot.

126

Singapore

Too much like the dystopian world of ‘Demolition Man’ for my liking.

127

Algeria

One day Algeria will be BACK!, but not today.

128

Bangladesh

Dhaka has to be the filthiest city in the world, I wouldn’t really bother.

129

Vatican City

Don’t know why the pope needs to live in a fortress. Smacks of insecurity to me.

130

Zambia

Didn’t hang around long enough for an objective opinion, but seemed okay.

131

Western Sahara

Mmm… I love the desert, do you think they’re going to have that referendum anytime soon?

132

Luxembourg

I missed the point. I’ll find it one day.

133

Liberia

Was okay, but didn’t have the warmth of Sierra Leone.

134

Belarus

The USSR is alive and well… and living in Belarus.

135

Chad

Apart from that fantastic name, I don’t know what else to say about Chad.

136

Northern Ireland

A silly place full of silly people. But it’s getting better.

137

Togo

Buzzed through but it managed to put a smile on my face.

138

Côte D’Ivoire

Could have a bright future, but I’m not holding my breath.

139

Burundi

A country awakening from a nightmare. Let’s hope it never goes back to sleep.

140

Senegal

The two things Senegal has going for it are women and the Casamance. The rest of it is meh.

141

Cyprus

GET YOUR ACT TOGETHER CYPRUS, and I’ll put you in my top 20.

142

Benin

Given the prevalence of voodoo, there is plenty of scope for excitement, but I didn’t see it.

143

Andorra

A trifle dull if you’re not there to ski.

144

Uganda

I’m still peeved that they charged me $50 for a damn transit visa! Up yours, Uganda!!

145

Niger

Another African country damned by the utterly stupid borders drawn up by the Europeans in the 1880s.

146

Central African Republic

I honestly don’t know what CAR is, what it did, what it does, or what it will ever do.

147

Tajikistan

Ah yes, you’ve never heard of the place have you? There may be a reason for that…!

148

DR Congo

The size of Europe, the economy of Jamaica. Go figure.

149

Cameroon

A truly wonderful country totally ruined by less-than-wonderful policemen.

150

Angola

Horrifically expensive. Or maybe just horrific.

151

Armenia

A country sadly but completely vandalised by the Soviets.

152

Mauritania

Beautiful desertscape marred by a distinctly ugly lack of human rights. They only made slavery illegal in the 1970s

153

Comoros

They’ve had 25 coup d’etats since the late 70s, and at any one time they have 4 presidents. Which is why they call it cloud Coup-Coup Land.

154

Sudan

In a place like Sudan, it’s quicker to ask what went right instead of going through everything that has gone wrong. Will no doubt split in two in 2011 – if they can do it without having yet another war I’ll be gobsmacked.

155

Guinea-Bissau

A nation run by drug dealers. Oh joy.

156

Burma

Tourists are advised to stay away as it props up the military junta, which is a shame as Burma is a beautiful place.

157

Turkmenistan

An otherwise boring oil state which is only made interesting by the legacy of Turkmenbashi, its utterly cuckoo first president.

158

Haiti

A sad story of hell in paradise.

159

Equatorial Guinea

They have oil – they don’t want you, so why bother?

160

Zimbabwe

Sadly run by a modern-day Hitler, so I cannot recommend

161

Switzerland

Provides the banking for the most evil men in the world.

162

Paraguay

Mostly pointless.

163

Guinea

A nasty little police state that makes its money by dealing drugs. And they get a seat on the UN…?

164

Somalia

Objectively the worst place in the world – the only place the FCO website tells you NOT to visit any part of. Although I would warmly recommend a trip to Somaliland in the north.

165

New Zealand*

The rudest, most obnoxious people I met on my travels to every country on Earth were a bunch of kiwis in Dubai. You used to be much, much higher in the league, but now I say New Zealand – not worth the jet lag.

166

Congo*

And what will you say about Congo? Asked the police after locking me up for six days. I’ll say it’s the best place in the world…

167

Cape Verde*

No.